Not Quite Supermom

Saturday, 31 January 2009

10 reasons I find 7 year old boys annoying

<..and I have one.

1. They think they know everything. If you try to correct them they say "yeah..I know that" or "lets not talk about that anymore"
2. Most of the things they say involve shooting or star "Die...Darth Vader...Pheeeenouoww...mmmmmmmm (thats a light sabre)....pssssshhhhhtttttttt..powwwww."
3. Most of these things are accompanied by a fountain of spit. Due to:
4. The fact they have no front teeth. It is so not their fault but nevertheless so not a good look.
5. They like to choose their own clothes. Meaning they choose to wear horrid spiderman tops or checks and stripes together.
6. They like to do their own hair and wont let you restyle it. Even if it looks stupid.
7. When they brush their teeth a fair amount dribbles onto whatever top they are wearing. Not a problem if they are doing the checks/ stripes thing as you get to change them but really a problem if it is the only clean school shirt available.
8. They start to get into really unattractive TV characters. Like Spongebob Square Pants.
9. They beat you at Wii play, Mario Karts and anything on the Playstation. But you still have to play.
10. You have no idea of the things they can fix/ break. They also point out the obvious on a regular basis.

Monday, 26 January 2009

Not quite Supermom from the start

Looking back on my parenting life I think it was abundantly obvious that I probably wasn't cut out to be a Supermom right from the first morning in hospital after I had my first son.

I had spent the night lying looking at him...on a huge high after the birth. By the time it was morning I was exhausted from staying awake for the last 30 something hours.

In an optimistic mood I decided to go and have a good wash and get dressed.

I wheeled my baby in his cot to the bathroom with me and looked in the mirror.

Not a very good idea.

My mouth was really dry so I decided to brush my teeth.

Without looking I reached down into my washbag, got my toothpaste and brush, put the toothpaste on the brush and started to brush my teeth.

I had just got really into brushing my teeth when I noticed the toothpaste wasn't quite the same taste as I was used to. It was pepperminty but also had a strange type of chalky texture that I couldnt quite place.

As I looked down in horror I saw that I had mistakenly picked up the wrong tube.

What I was looking at was not a tube of toothpaste it was a tube of Anusol.

This is a tube of Anusol...

This is a tube of toothpaste...

Don't make the same mistake I did.

Friday, 23 January 2009

What goes Around comes Around...

Something happened to me this morning that has left me feeling really gleeful.

There is justice in the world after all.

Let me explain....

I went shopping this morning.

Shopping with kids is like a military operation. First you have to check your intelligence is correct, identify the potential targets and your drop zone.You must work out the logistics..double buggy or single in my case. Then you must ensure you have your kit ready (nappies, rations, drinks, wipes, coats, scarves, hats, mittens, goes on and on.)

Once you have reached the drop zone you have to practice your mobility training, paying particular attention to vehicle insertion techniques in the car park, ensuring all doors can be opened in order to move troops in and out the vehicle swiftly.

Finally you can implement a SAS style operation to retrieve said targets from their locations while keeping troops motivated and return them safely to base.

Nothing to it. is what happened while I was shopping that has made me so cheerful.

Our local shopping centre is outside and on 2 levels. I needed to go from basement to upper level. It was raining, I had the double buggy (except Alfie wanted to walk and hold an umbrella) so I was steering the buggy one handed towards the glass elevator. Not an easy feat.

Its a really nice elevator and you can very clearly see the people in it as they travel up and down.

Alfie was getting very excited about pressing the button.

We were about 10 paces away from the elevator when I started to hear the "click click" of high heels getting louder and faster behind me. It definitely wasn't me as my trainers were going "squelch squelch" as I had accidentally trodden in a big puddle getting out the car.

Just as we were nearly at the elevator the high heeled lady cut infront of us..pressed the button, got in and pressed the up button.

She didnt even hold the doors for us. Alfie and I were left with our noses up against the glass while she waited for the lift to go up. I was a bit gobsmacked.

I pushed the button to try and get the doors to open and let us in.

The lady just looked at us. She didnt even look sorry she hadn't held the doors. I would go so far as to say she even looked a bit smug.

Just then an act of divine intervention occurred.

The elevator went up about a foot and stopped.

We both waited for the elevator to start again.

It didn't.

"The lift has stopped working" the lady mouthed to me through the glass.

"Yes..I can see that" I mouthed back.

"Help" she mouthed at me.

"Hmmm.." said my brain.

I was just about to help (really I was) when the man that runs the cafe by the lift came over and said "the lift isn't working again then," and proceeded to give the doors a bit of a bang and off the lift went. (Its a bit like that where I live.)

I can imagine it is very scary to get stuck in a lift so I am not poking fun at that by any means. But the incident has restored my faith in the motto "what goes around comes around" and indeed shows that it can sometimes go up and sometimes go down. Or not!

Have a lovely day x

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

More Reasons I am Not Quite Supermom

1. Sometimes when my two boys are fighting over something I hide or pretend not to have noticed.
2. When the boys had been fighting for ages and I couldn't take it anymore I (once) put them in the garden, locked the door and told them I wasn't going to let them in until they stopped fighting.
3. When my kids shout Mommy it sometimes takes me a while to realise they mean me.
4. I use the TV as a babysitter so I can get on with jobs around the house.
5. I give them all raisins as they take a long time to eat so I can check my emails.
6. I told the kids that all cameras (ie speed cameras, CCTV etc) are actualy Father Christmas watching them and all the feeds go straight to his office at the North Pole.
7. I have told my eldest son that if he doesnt get dressed in the morning for school I will send him to school in his pyjamas..and then put him in the car and started to drive off while he was still in them.
8. Sometimes after putting them all in the car I go back to the hall to get my bag and lock the door and it is so lovely and peaceful I wish I could just leave them in the car and get on with some jobs.
9. I really can't watch Toy Story again. Ever. For the rest of my life.
10. My kids really really like to put on plays and shows for me. Nearly everyday. Most of the time I am thinking about what to cook for the next week and not really paying attention.

Canine Capers

At some point in your parenting career the children start wanting a pet. You start off small..a hamster, some fish..maybe even a rabbit. Then they ask for a puppy.

In my case it wasn't the little children asking for a puppy. It was my big kid, Mr G, the perpetual Peter Pan. And he didn't just want a puppy. He wanted LOTS of puppies. We already had Maisy Moo and he wanted to breed her. I was 5 months pregnant when she got pregnant, 8 months when the puppies were born.

I know...they are so cute!

This is what happens.

They go from this:

To this:

Then they do this to your parcels....

And this to your windows:

And this to each other...

Start compiling your list of reasons why you can't have a dog. Right now. Then you will never be caught with your guard down and accidentally say yes.

Monday, 19 January 2009

10 reasons I am not a SuperMom

1. My children call me Mean Mommy. Or sometimes just Meanie. Maybe this shows I am doing my parenting job correctly? I'm not convinced.
2. I dont allow glitter in my house. Never. Not since the Great Glitter Incident of 2003
3. I didn't notice Ryan went to school with his trousers on back to front until 7pm that night. Ditto Alfies shoes being on the wrong feet until he fell over.
4. I'm really really really pleased when the kids go to bed. I mean REALLY pleased. Bordering on ecstatic.
5. Sometimes I find playing Star Wars, pirates, teachers, or whatever the current game is really really boring.
6. Im always saying "in a minute" or "just give me 5 minutes."
7. I have on a few occasions not noticed my toddlers nappy needs changing until it is so saggy it falls down and pops out the bottom of his trouser leg.
8. I forgot it was my friends little boys party last Sunday. They had to call me halfway through the party to find out where I was.
9. I find it hard to remember my kids birthday dates. For some reason I get a bit confused.
10. I quite often call my children by each others names or by the dogs names.

Saturday, 17 January 2009

My Krptonite

...what stands in my way of being a Supermom

1. People who send cards with confetti pieces in them saying "happy birthday" or "congratulations" etc that exploded all over the floor when you open the card. Do these people not know:
A. What a choking hazard confetti represents to an inquistive crawling baby?
B. How long the mess will take to clean up?
C. For how many months I will be finding the bits of confetti? I found a Happy Easter one under the sofa at Christmas.

2. That man in Asda who told me that I shouldnt be allowed to drive a %^&*£!" trolley. He kind of had a point in that I was a bit distracted by a crying baby, Alfie crying because he wanted another Sonic Screwdriver and the fact that Asda had moved the dairy aisle so I was looking behind me...but still! Love thy neighbour and all that...

3. Asda. For:
A. moving the dairy aisle and leading to the incident above and
B. For having such long queues at the checkout that my eldest always needs a wee just as I have unloaded the last of the shopping onto the conveyor. What do you do? Whip out a bottle?

4. While on the subject of love thy neighbour... my over the road neighbour. More about her to come in My Nemesis. Every potential Superhero has one. Apparently.

5. My Hair. For being a perpetual nightmare, never doing what it's told and generally looking like a flock of birds have taken nest there.

6. The Dogs. Just as I mop the floors..they want to go out and dig up the garden. So when they come in my floors look the same as they did before I mopped them. They also:
A. Poo everywhere...mostly in the garden..but sometimes in the house. Mr G gags when he has to clean it up so poo duty is up to me. Somedays all I do is deal with poo (children + dogs)
B. Bring me pirates, socks, shoes and various random items at 3am. They want to play.
C. Pretend to shag all the time...even at 3am... ON MY BED!
D. Eat shoes..I only have 2 pairs left.
E. Take the knickers I had left on the floor after a night out to my Mother in Law in bed (she babysat that night and stayed over). Mother in Law came down to breakfast the next morning brandishing said knickers.
F. Lick their private parts and then try and lick the children. YUCK!

7. The Kumon lady. This is a direct quote from her email to me after I said Ryan was no longer going to be attending her after school classes (at £50 a month):

"It is such a shame that you did not grasp the concept of the Kumon programme. I always do warn people that Kumon will only fail you if it is run incorrectly at home and by what you have described it has been. You have a very bright little boy but I think your other family commitments have perhaps overshadowed this.

I wish you every success in the future and hope you will have time to nurture Ryan's potential."

Horrid lady. If I ever hate anyone in the would be her.

Thats all for now..I'm sure I'll think of some more!

Thursday, 15 January 2009

Don't talk to me about Winnie The Pooh

I am taking great comfort in the fact that it isn't just me in this parenting partnership who is falling slightly short of expectations. As a New Years resolution BOTH Mr G and myself have decreed that we will take our children swimming EVERY Sunday to spend some quality time with the little ones. On our first ever "family swim" venture (normally its just me) Mr G declared (rather confidently I thought) that he would take our two boys and get them changed, leaving me with just the baby and the hope of a hairwash afterwards.

As he started opening the door to the changing room, I started issuing instructions: "Ryan needs his goggles in his swim bag and he likes to take his towel with him to the pool.. and Alfie's winnie the pooh swim nappy is in his swim bag."

Mr G gave me a look that was MEANT to tell me he was in full control. I wasn't so confident but I gave him the benefit of the doubt...

Nearly 35 minutes later Mr G and the boys joined me and Gracie in the pool. No really was this long. Personally I was all for getting out the pool and having that hairwash I've been dreaming about. But seeing as this was a "family venture" Gracie and I stayed in to play in the water.

It was an amazing success! The boys were having a fantastic time showing Daddy how well they could swim and having rides on his back through the pool. Gracie was trying to drink the water and then getting suprised when it made her cough. Mr G and I even took turns to go in the hot-tub. It was actually going rather well!

Until Alfie got out the pool to jump in.

It was then that I noticed the horrendous error made by Mr G.

Alfie appeared to be struggling somewhat to walk along the side of the pool. Which was not suprising really...seeing as his nappy appeared to have soaked up about half of the pool water and the bottom part seemed to be languishing way beyond his knees and nearly way beyond the bounds of decency for a public pool. The nappy also had a picture of Lightening McQueen from the Disneys Cars film, although he was looking less sporty race car..more stretched limo.

It became painfully obvious that Mr G had got his Disney characters terribly confused.

On a day to day basis Alfie wears pullups featuring the Disney Cars characters.

The swim nappies had Winnie the Pooh on them.

Mr G stated in his defense that he thought I was so well organised (..does the man even know me at all??) that I had ALREADY put Alfies swim nappy on before we left the house. I countered with the fact that due to our recent trip to Disney he should therefore be far more up on his Disney knowledge than the average Joe...and why on earth did he think I mentioned winnie the pooh? Did he think I just go around mentioning winnie the pooh for no apparent reason?

At this point Alfies nappy fell off..with a rather large "pop" and burst a million little bits of sodden crystals (what is that stuff?) all across the poolside.

The moral of the tale?

Ensure that your husband takes regular quizzes on identifying the Disney characters.

Take great lengths to ensure he has no inflated opinion of your organisational powers.

Endeavour to make him think that you aren't such a "mummy" that you drop Winnie the Poohs name into every sentence (ie..."Gracie just loves Winnie the Pooh," or "I saw this really cute Winnie the Pooh toy today," or "the kids watched another episode of Winnie the Pooh this afternoon," or "tonight I read the kids a Winnie the Pooh story.") Otherwise I'm pretty sure he won't be listening when it matters.

Failing that..get the kids ready yourself and wash your hair when you get home.

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